I think the fog has finally lifted. I movedthrough the day today – before now, that is – in a haze, induced by cold medicine Iwasn’t even sure I needed. I hate being sick. Headache, stuffed, can’t talk properly orsing to my children; it sucks. I want to go walk in the woods. Why don’t I? Because I’msitting in front of this computer. Because sitting here is safe. Because I like it. Because inertia has a stronger pull on methan the outdoors right now. That sucks. I want the woods to have a stronger pull thanthe inertia. Why doesn’t it? I’m so happy and fulfilled when I’moutdoors; I smell theearth, the wet, the leaves, the trees. The wind is soft and smooth – water flowingover my face. But I sit here instead. Inertia. Stupid inertia. How do we break it? How do I get away? By just doing – I know, I know. But this chair and computer have a hold on methat is like laying in bed. It’s comforting,soft, inviting. It’s known. I like it. I wish I liked it less, but that’s not honest. People who say they can’t stand being indoors – don’t they ever feel the pull of inertia? Of comfort and familiarity? Or do they sit indoors so infrequently that it isthe outdoors that is their inertia – their comfort and familiarity. I lovethat when I’m in the outdoors, I’d rather be nowhere else. But when I’m in my office researching, communicating, organizing, managing, I don’twant to go out. WHY NOT???!!! This drives me crazy.
I’ve decided that through this blog I’m taking back some of my time, doing something I lovebut don’t get to do any more, which is write for the sake of writing. Maybe that’s what my blog is really about now. Doingwhat I love for me, and not anyone else. Duh, stupid. That’s what it’s supposedto be. But it wasn’t. It was a tool for my bookstore and I wasn’t comfortablewriting that way. That’s why it was so easy to let it lapse. Not that I don’tthink I’ll still have lapses going forward. But I hope that my writing becomesmore free, more myself and though it I find the voice I know I have. It’s there somewhere. Compelling, funny, passionate. If I just keepwriting, it will show its little head, and I can perhaps coax it intofull view on a regular basis. Maybe. But then there’s that worry: ‘what if I don’thave a voice’? or ‘what if my voice sucks – and this is actually all I have?’ Wellthen, I’ll just keep on with this because I like it, and I don’t want to stop. And if youdon’t like it, you don’t have to read it, right? Right. I made that promise tomyself a year or so ago – that I won’t waste time reading stuff that I don’tlove. There are too many possibilitiesout there to hope that one I hold in my hand or is on my screen will sproutbeautiful wings and then grab me around the throat and notlet go. If it doesn’t, then it’s gone. Sorry.Doesn’t mean it wasn’t any good, I’m just done trying. I guess that’s one way I’mtrying to break free of the inertia. I’m moving on. Now.
I can't even begin to tell you how much I identify with this!!! I'm working on radical acceptance right now. My preferred state is outdoors, but if my energy is more drawn to sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee and playing angry birds for 20 minutes, that's okay too. There's a reason for the inertia, I think sometimes our bodies/minds know what we want better than we do. (something in me is saying, "you need to relax and not think for 20 minutes") I sometimes sit and struggle when I go to write my blog, fear and self doubt clouding my mind. I write best when I ignore the fear of good enough and just let whatever comes out, out. But radical acceptance is not easy. Sometimes I struggle with it moment to moment, because it's a lot easier for my inner critic to say "why are you doing this? You should be doing that. Why aren't you doing that?" Oh, and funny story re: reading things you want…about six years ago I decided I was going to be brainier and read more of the "Classics" in American literature. I never liked Ernest Hemingway from my time in HS and as an English Major, but I decided to give him another chance. After reading the drudgery(IMHO) that is "The Old Man and the Sea" I said "screw that. My time is precious to me, and I should only spend it reading things I enjoy. And if what I enjoy is fluffy rom com lit, then who cares if people think I'm not brainy enough!" 🙂